The Pickle Post

by Isha Singh Sawhney on 30 Oct 2009

To every movement there is an anti-zeitgeist. Counter culture to the morally uptight, were the free love/sex movements that have come down through history. Caged gogo girls, decadent Parisian nightclubs, nauch bars and the free love of the flower child, are some of the few things that characterised the ebb and flow of our libido. The first decade of the 21st century is seeing a surprising trend. An increasing number of people in the West are choosing not to blindly ape the dos and don’ts of Sex and the City’s fantastic foursome. And it is surprising, when we consider the number of reports that have come out clamouring about how the serial has lead to the so-called ‘slutification’ of America.

But as the age for that ‘first encounter’ becomes younger and younger, I, in all my (supposedly non-existent) prudishness, am continually shocked to hear of the conquests of five to 15 year olds. I’m witness to milk-toothed five year olds sporting boyfriends and girlfriends (whatever happened to vehement ‘I hate girls/boys’ ages), a close family friend son, now aged 18, storms of a dinning table when his father tries to give him a talk on safe sex, saying “you should have told me this five years ago”, 16 to 20 year olds across the country and the globe, who’ve by then, left behind a trail of boy/girlfriends. The list goes on. And I thank my stars for a relatively late, age 20 initiation ceremony.

The Power to Say No

Somewhere down the line, post the requisite slew of relationships, I had decided the ‘fluff and fickleness’ of multiple partners (simultaneously or otherwise), was doing way more harm than, in all our free minded 21st century jargon, we tend to give it. At the same time, old schoolers, of long time loves and decades of happy marriages (God Bless them), constantly caution us – of the instant generation – with the hazards of having too many choices. However, not only is caution thrown to the wind, but those who choose to oppose it are also frowned down up. To be celibate in a sex-obsessed world, guarantees only disapproval, loneliness and stony silences.

Today however, the West is witnessing a reverse trend. The anti-zeitgeist going against the tide is celibacy. There are two kinds. The first: those who have never had sex, and the second: those who abstain from having sex. People in the first category, choose celibacy for a number of reasons – religion, the search for that ‘one’, a simple refusal of peer pressure or just being horrified witness to a desensitised-to-sex generation of youngsters. And those in second look for peace, self fulfilment and affirmation, minus that ‘arm’ to hang upon.

Maturing Sexually

A friend once regaled me (courtesy a few glasses of wine) with hilarious stories, of all the men she’d met and refused to have sex with, in all of her 30 years of life. Having lived in New York, New Delhi, globe trotted, and subsequently met and dated a veritable mixture of men across ages, colour, religion etc., she has an interesting take on men. Avoiding the typical North Indian male species like the plague, she says, men are afflicted with “sexual immaturity.” As our society wakes up to a sexual revolution, men have gotten very spoiled and sex has suddenly become available and more accessible, especially to this generation. It’s the ensuing euphoria and over indulgence, that comes about from this exciting new feeling that makes people “childish” in their want for it.

For her, sex comes down to being comfortable, and being truly inspired. “Instead of putting yourself and your emotions at risk,” she says, “know your boundaries. Never put yourself before the cart, unless you know you have given yourself up fully to your partner – physically, emotionally and psychologically. And step number one for this is to love and respect yourself, and to get into situations sans looking for affirmation (whether the woman or the man).”

Behind The Mask

Demanding a confidence and maturity often missing amongst people, is this call for celibacy. Pushing for sex because society demands it, because peers demand it, or even because parents encourage it, is creating a generation of cynical, hollowed out people. Quoting William Butler Yeats here… It was the mask engaged your mind, and after set your heart to beat, not what’s behind… the above mentioned friend points out the superficiality of free sex. “When men or women come out at night as sexual predators, you are never going to discover the beautiful, intimate and fulfilling side of sexual experiences.”

In a world of sexual predators, abstinence comes as a personal quest. And along with it, a realisation that freedom of the purest form, is about NOT being addicted, especially not to the male body. Giving up sex, post the first few months, which can sometimes border on torturous can make you as free as you can be in today’s world. Then for similar reasons, do Jesuits, bhramacharis, monks and other religious sects choose to be celibate, because it helps them transcend from earthly matter of touch and skin? Is it something about sex that makes them impure or keeps them from attaining higher levels of spirituality?

Living Free Single
In the west, there are groups, both religious and not, that are promoting celibacy and abstinence. The Silver Ring Thing, True Love Waits, The Prim and The Proper Pussy Club are some organizations that are encouraging young and old alike, to frown down on casual sex, and not get carried away by the sexual revolution that demands de-virginisation and liberated sex lives. With a slogan that cries ‘Where Purity, Passion and Power meet Phashion’, L.A. based Waitwear clothing, makes clothes with slogans like “No Vow, No Sex”, while UK website celibrate.org attracts hundreds of hits a day, a slew of authors like US based Dawn Eden’s The Thrill of the Chaste and Wendy Shalit’s Girls Gone Mild encourage celibacy, and Christian pop star Natasha Bedingfield celebrates singledom with her track Single.

The thritysomething author of The Thrill of the Chaste through her own experiences in New York City’s singles jungle shows women how they can go from insecurity to purity and from forlorn to reborn. Dawn tells women who have been around the block how to find their way home, and the first chapter of her book “Hi Slut!” asks why the norm is for young girls to be promiscuous? Will all their cool free minded thoughts, eventually help them hook the right guy to marry? Has this helped the bad girl become the norm, for men to bed (causing them to postpone the marriageable age) and women to be like (in their quest to get married fast)? And as I ponder this quandary; I wrap my mind around, Natasha Bedingfeild’s words:

I’m not waitin’ around for a man to save me
(Cos I’m happy where I am)
Don’t depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don’t need to be anyone’s baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don’t need another half to make me whole.